WHEN THE ‘OTHER PERSON’ DOES NOT WANT KIDS

So there are people that don’t like kids; whether you want to believe it or not. This however, does not mean in any way, that they are awful people or that they are evil or made of devilish stuff. The fact that there are a lot of people who love kids, doesn’t mean these people are saints or pure in heart. As a matter of fact, there are actually kind people who do not have or want children. This does not suggest that there is something spiritually wrong with them or that they have kukuma chop/trade their wombs/sperms in the witch/wizard coven. It simply means they do not like or want children in their lives. For them, it could be that simple.

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Just like there are people out there that do not want to get married because they do not believe in what they presume are the sentiments of marriage, so are there people who do not, for one reason or the other, want children in their lives. For some, it may be because of the kind of lifestyle they live. They’ve decided that bringing a child into such a condition would be a mistake on their part. This may be because they think, they would not make good role models, or that they do not have the financial capacity to care for one. There is also the possibility that they think, they might end up being a parent to the child, only by title.

Read also: Would you date/marry a Single Parent?

For some, it may be health-related. One or both partners found out they cannot conceive, have a disease or are too incapacitated to nurture or care for a child. Rather than bring in a child that isn’t theirs or explore other methods of child-bearing, they decide to remain childless. But with the latest development in modern day medicine and exposure, this fraction of people has reduced drastically, in the last century.

Read also: When He/She can not perform

For others, it may be because of ill-experiences with children, fear of loss during childbirth, miscarriages, religion/ culture.
But then, we all know that in this part of the world, not wanting to have children as a man or woman, is like saying you do not want to get married. Here, marriage is perceived to be the ideal breeding ground for children, and this notion is religiously supported and morally cemented into the minds of every typical African man/woman. So not wanting to have children is perceived to be a non-African thing, a Non-Nigerian thing and a Western thing. This ideology is so deeply rooted that almost all Africans assume that everyone around them wants children .They do not even bother to ask the necessary questions before marriage, because they operate unconsciously under the assumptions that:
• Everyone wants to get married. Everybody loves children.
• Every man or woman out there, as long as he or she is an African, always wants to multiply and replenish the earth.
• Whoever they have chosen to spend their lives with, is always perfectly healthy to make children.

Read also: When we all want God-fearing Partners.

Even when certain individuals leave the shadows of what the society expects of them(however, this is very rare. No African man particularly woman would admit to not liking/wanting children when they really don’t. Except you want them to be stoned to death. They’d rather keep their feelings to themselves and do what is expected of them)and admit to what they really want, their opinions are laughed off or prejudiced.
Take the case of a friend of mine who got married recently as an example. When he was dating his wife, Aunty admitted she did not want to have children. Whether it was love that was shaking my friend at that time, to have brushed off- what he presumed were- her ‘sentiments’, I don’t know. All I know was that, he laughed over her insinuation, and married her anyway.
Three years into their marriage, Aunty still wouldn’t get pregnant. When she did, there was always a miscarriage. Or something sha, will end up making her un-pregnant. The whole situation brought a strain on their marriage. And so, the couple had to seek out counseling.
During the counseling sections one day, Aunty admitted that she was responsible for the miscarriages, and the occasional abortions whenever the babies wouldn’t wash out.

Her husband was dumbfounded.

“I don’t understand” he cried, as he looked from his wife to the pastor, and then from the pastor to his wife.
“Baby, I told you I don’t want children” his wife reminded him. “And you agreed”.
“But” My friend cried… “But…”
“But what?” his wife retorted, and he could see she was truly flabbergasted by his confused facial expression; Like he shouldn’t even be startled at all.
“But I thought you were going to get over that nonsense.… I thought you were going to eventually come around”. He ranted.
“Emm” the pastor interjected, realizing that a brawl might just break out in front of him if he wasn’t careful.
“How many abortions are we talking about, Sister?” he asked, turning to my friend’s wife.
“Just four”…” she announced.
And my friend almost went mad.
“…Thank God for the pills I’ve been taking” she continued, oblivious to the “unbelievable” expression on both his face and the pastor’s face. “Only God knows how many more I would have had to take.”
“Pastor, can you just imagine? Can you see the kind of woman I married? Can you see?” my friend wailed uncontrollably. But of course, the pastor had to remind him that he had no choice, but to find a way to work things out with his wife. And perhaps try to convince her that having children is a Godly mandate in which she has no choice but to oblige. This was marriage after all. There was no turning back. And besides, divorce would never be welcomed in the church.
This story made me realize that even though love is an amazing factor that every relationship should have, when it comes down to choosing a life partner, one has to apply brains too…lots of brain and sensibility. Choose a partner that shares most of your goals and aspirations…especially those of longer term. Do not operate under assumptions or ideologies. Ask the necessary questions. Probe. Enquire and Inquire.
But as always I want to know what you think. If (God forbids it) you are in the shoes of my friend who can’t seem to convince his wife to make babies with him, what will you do? Would you stay or walk? Or would you find someone else to make babies with?

If the person you are dating does not want to have children, is it a deal breaker for you?

Kindly share your thoughts.
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3 thoughts on “WHEN THE ‘OTHER PERSON’ DOES NOT WANT KIDS”

  1. It is clear that we all enter marriage with silent expectations. And we rudely wake up when confronted with the real world. Okay. Wedding is done, wifey doesn't want children. I would use all tactics to ensure we meet a proffessional counsellor. Not a pastor o. A proffessional counsellor who will draw my wife out in a session of therapy. Hopefully, she would say the deep reason why she avoids bearing children. Then we can tackle it. Maybe she is scared of the various stages of pregnancy. Maybe she is scared of cesarean section. Maybe she lost someone due to pregnancy. The list is endless.

    For bros and sis, at least the woman is aborting the babies. It means they are both fertile. It means they are having kpokus regularly. That's one of the biggest issues and it is solved. Fenerally for men, our deepest needs are respect, sex and food. Children are just extra. That is why most men are not as bothered as women when conception is delayed. Bros should not chop outside kpokus. This issue is a small issue jare. What would he do if he discovers madam has HIV? Or has a child when she was 15 yrs? Or was raped one day? Would he commit suicide? Abegi!

    If I were not married, na to still meet counsellor o. If bae no wan meet counsellor, na to fall out of love. Sharparly.

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